That's Not the Pizza Guy
by Celticknot14
Summary: A one-shot lemon for my friend's birthday. UsUk, don't like don't read


Right, so this is a birthday present for my dear friend. It's also my first yaoi so please don't burn me at the stake for it. Heh heh. Happy birthday~!

WARNING: This is really just a UsUk smut fest. Yaoi (boy x boy) Don't like don't read. Also some swearing.

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Hetalia nor any of the characters no matter how much I wish.

Alfred looked up from his tv show in surprise. The pizza guy was certainly early this time… He hit the mute button on the remote and stood, wandering over to the door.  
He opened it and blinked. That… That was not a pizza guy…  
A police officer stood there, pen and pencil in hand and looking severely pissed off. He had shaggy blond hair, large (Beautiful, thought Alfred) green eyes, and eyebrows big enough to rival… Well, they really had no comparison. "Alfred F. Jones?" He asked in a curt, foreign accent. The guy was definitely English.  
Alfred shook himself out of his stupor and nodded. "Yeah, I'm Alfred." Why the hell was there a cop at his door?  
The man nodded. "Officer Kirkland. May I come in? I have some business to discuss with you."  
Alfred stepped aside. "What's this all about, bro?"  
Kirkland's eye twitched. "Officer. Not 'bro'."  
"Oh. Sorry about that." He rubbed the back of his head as the police man stepped inside, nose wrinkling at the sight of the messy home.  
"Sorry. If I'dda knowed you was comin' I'dda cleaned up." Alfred joked uncertainly in one of his best Southern Yokel accents.  
Officer Kirkland shot him an incredulous glare, making him smile slightly. "What the bloody hell was that?"  
"Oh. Uh…" He shrugged. "Just something I do sometimes."  
"right." The man began to search Alfred's home, earning a frown.  
"Uh… Don't you need a warrant before searching here?"  
Kirkland shot him a surprised look. "You know about warrants? I mean, are you a lawyer?"  
"Wull no, but I watch a lot of Law & Order…" He rubbed the back of his neck.  
"Then no I don't." He reached his hand underneath the couch cushion, letting out a yelp and quickly recoiling. "_The bloody hell was THAT_!"  
Alfred frowned, lifting up the cushion to reveal an old, green piece of pizza. "Oh hey! I was looking for that bro! Thanks!" He grinned, lifting it up and bringing it to his face.  
Officer Kirkland smacked the pizza out of his hand with a yelp. "You bloody idiot! That would probably kill you!"  
"Dude it wasn't that bad!" He rubbed his hand, looking hurt.  
"Not that- dear God! This whole house is a citation!" He gestured around him wildly. "A huge ticket! Hundreds of dollars!"  
"Dude not cool! You can't just give me a ticket for living how I do!" But it was no good. The officer was already scribbling down a ticket. "Aw man! There's gotta be something I can do to make you lift this!" He gave the Brit his biggest puppy dog eyes, making him pause in his writing.  
"Well…" His eyes glinted. "Maybe one thing…"  
"Anything! Just don't give me a freaking ticket!" Alfred grinned hopefully.  
Kirkland put his ticket book away. "Anything?"  
"Totally!"  
He considered him for a moment before gesturing with his finger that Alfred should turn around.  
He blinked at Kirkland confusedly. "Huh?"  
"Shut up and put your hands on the wall." He sighed. So much for subtle…  
"But what do I have to do to make you forget about the ticket?" He frowned, fidgeting.  
Kirkland gave him a flat look. "How thick are you!"  
Alfred turned sideways to try and measure himself. "Uh… About…"  
"Alfred, that was a rhetorical question."  
"Oh. Then…"  
The man facepalmed. "If you want me to forget about the ticket, then shut up and strip."  
"Whaaa- OH! Oh! Oh…" He grinned. "So it's s-"  
"Finish that sentence and I'll arrest you for sexual harassment."  
"Yes sir shutting up sir."  
Kirkland rolled his eyes. "Now. Where are we going to pay off your debts?"  
"Um… My bedroom's upstairs on the right…" Alfred rubbed his neck. "'s that work?"  
"It should be fine. Lead the way." Kirkland nodded and Alfred started up the stairs, followed by him quickly.  
Alfred opened the door to his bedroom. It was decently sized and dominated a king-sized bed, a dresser and mirror in the corner by his closet. There were matching nightstands on either side of the bed. The American stood in the doorway uncertainly. "So…"  
"Strip." Kirkland ordered.  
"Uh… Can I at least get your first name?"  
The policeman shrugged. "Arthur."  
"Artie Kirkland? Huh. You look more like an Iggy to me."  
Arthur's eye twitched. "Don't call me that."  
"Artie or Iggy?"  
"Either."  
Alfred grinned. "Sure thing. Igg-meister."  
Arthur growled. "Quit with the snappy comebacks and get on the bed. Now."  
The American obeyed, flopping down and putting his hands behind his head, still fully clothed.  
The Englishman facepalmed. "Not quite. You left your clothes on."  
"I know. That's kinda the point. You gotta take 'em off."  
Arthur frowned. "No. You're too fat for me to lift anyway."  
"Hey! Not cool!" He sat up on the bed. "If you don't want to do that… Uh… I'll show you mine if you show me yours?"  
"…Fine. You first, though." Arthur folded his arms.  
Al grinned. "Yessir." He removed his aviator jacket and tossed it to the side of the bed, waiting expectantly for Arthur to do the same.  
The policeman unzipped his jacket and hung it on the bed post. "Your turn."  
The next things to come off were the socks and, in Arthur's case, the shoes. Then the shirts.  
Everything Iggy took off was neatly folded in a pile compared to Alfred's careless tossing. The Brit sat down on the bed next to Alfred and slowly slid onto his lap. Alfred grinned up at him. "Ya know, you look pretty familiar…"  
"I get that a lot." He shrugged, leaning down to kiss Alfred and shut him up.  
The American put his hands on Arthur's waist and slid them up his back to his shoulders, lying down underneath the policeman.  
Arthur grunted a little at the change in position, wrapping his legs around Alfred.  
The American took advantage of this and rolled over so that he was on top.  
Arthur let out a squeak muffled against Alfred's lips. He'd planned to stay on top the whole time…  
He grinned, sensing other's surprise, and pulled away from his lips. He moved to his neck and nibbled there. "Nope… I ain't taking the bottom…" He purred.  
Arthur let out a soft moan. "A-And if I order you…?"  
"Nope~," He paused to suck on his neck, hard enough to leave a bruise. "Not even then…"  
Arthur pouted but didn't object again, shuddering as Alfred's hand reached up to tweak his nipples. "Mm…"  
"Aw, ya like that Iggy?"  
"What part o-of 'don't call me that' do you not understand…?" He mumbled, one of his own hands finding Alfred's jeans button.  
"The American part of me." He grinned, sitting up on the smaller man and beginning to take off his pants.  
Arthur watched, eyes half lidded. He was pretty hard already and this view was only making it worse.  
The larger man rolled off the smaller one to get out of his pants easier, kicking them onto the floor and rolling back on him to kiss his chest and belly.  
Arthur moaned more loudly than the last time, pressing up against him and grinding. "Mmnh… I'm not in the mood for teasing, git…"  
"Well who's in charge here? And besides! Ya haven't even lost your pants!" Alfred snorted, going down to kiss, lick, and nip his belly.  
"I would have if you weren't on top of me…!" He protested despite his shivering. Arthur shoved at him. "Get off and I'll undress...!"  
Alfred laughed and rolled off of him.  
Arthur slowly removed his pants and boxers at the same time, casting a flirty look at his partner. He blushed as the American leaned in to kiss his groin.  
"Aw… Ya like that," He grinned up at him deviously. "Iggy?" Alfred laughed at the scowl that appeared on his face.  
"Bloody hell man! Don't call me Ig-gyyy!" He let out a shriek as Al licked up his member.  
"Wow~! You're a screamer, huh?" He chuckled and licked up him again.  
Arthur quickly sat back on the covers. "Stop that…!"  
"But ya clearly like it, so why should I?" The larger man sat up and twisted so that he was looming over Arthur. He leaned down and kissed him, keeping it nice at first.  
Arthur wriggled to get comfortable underneath him, kissing back when he felt the lips. The kiss grew more passionate as Alfred licked Arthur's lower lip in a silent plea for entrance. He let him in without hesitation, tongue prodding the other's.  
The two wrestled for dominance in the kiss, Alfred winning out quickly. His hands slid over Arthur's chest and hips, going around his back to squeeze his ass.  
Arthur moaned loudly, pressing up against him eagerly. He broke away from Alfred's lips and latched onto his neck instead, kissing and nipping at it.  
Alfred let out a groan, pulling him closer with one hand while his other reached into the nightstand to find something to use as lube.  
Arthur's hands wandered around Al's chest and back, stopping at his waist band. "You're still wearing your pants…"  
"Yep. I'll take 'em off if you ask nicely." Al smirked at him. "Meaning, beg."  
Arthur stared at him. "You're going to make me beg you to strip!"  
"Or I could just leave ya like this and pay that ticket."  
"No! Don't you bloody dare!" Arthur snapped, fidgeting. He let out a cross between a whine and a sigh. "Alfrrreeed…! Please, please, preeetty please… Take off your pants…"  
Al grinned. "Oh Iggy, I love your begging… But, why do you want me to take them off?"  
"Are you seriously going to make me tell you!" He stared at him. "You-"  
"Language, Artie. And yes. I certainly am going to make you."  
"God- Alfred!"  
"Or, you could just moan my name a couple more times." The American reached to stroke himself through his pants. "That's hot, dude."  
Arthur pouted. He knew he'd do it… Dammit he wanted Alfred too much already… "Alllll…! A-Alfred…!"  
The pants and underwear flew off him so fast they looked like a blur going by. Alfred jerked Arthur towards him and attacked his neck and chest with teeth and lips. "God that was hot…!" He managed between nips.  
Arthur let out strangled noises, moaning and whimpering loudly as his nails dug into Al's back.  
Shortly afterwards he pulled away, sitting up and squirting some of the lube he'd retrieved from the nightstand on his fingers and spread it around. "This might hurt, babe."  
"I'm not 'babe'…! And I bloody know that it'll hurt!" He huffed, watching him. Arthur tried to keep his excitement from showing. It had been a while since he'd gotten laid and he really needed this…  
Al leaned back over him and began to suck his neck, hard enough to leave a hickey. One of his hands, the un-lubed one, slid around behind the Brit and pulled him close. His other hand moved down between his legs and a finger circled his entrance. "Do you want me, Arthur?" He crooned, voice husky.  
Arthur moaned. "Y-Yes… Alfred… Please…"  
The man happily obliged, gently forcing his finger inside his partner.  
Arthur moaned and wriggled around the finger, trying to get comfortable on it.  
Alfred stroked his hair to calm him down and let him get used to the feeling before inserting his second and third fingers. He gently began to stretch him, pausing occasionally to let Arthur adjust.  
Iggy showed him when he was ready by pressing back against the welcome intrusions and letting out loud moans.  
Al pulled his fingers out of him and squirted more lube onto his hands, using them both to spread it around his member.  
Artie moaned just watching him. It was so… Just so… "H-Hurry… Hurry up and fuck me…!" He pleaded.  
Alfred laughed, getting in position on top of him. "Yessir, sir."  
He moaned at the feeling of his tip poking inside him. It slowly expanded to fill him completely, stretching him out thoroughly. Arthur let out a cry and Al stopped, letting him adjust to the feeling.  
When he was ready he gave Al a curt nod.  
The large man slid in and out of him, slowly at first but gradually increasing in speed. As he thrust, he whispered dirty words into Arthur's ears, talking to him about how dirty he was, how big of a slut, how hard he'd make him cum.  
The Brit loved every word of it, moans and whimpers only getting louder and louder as it went on.  
Al's hand shot around to grab Arthur's member, pumping it in time to his thrusts.  
The heat built inside the pair until they thought they'd burst from it. Alfred's thrusting became erratic, more and more uneven every time.  
With a cry of ecstasy Arthur came, all over their chests and Alfred's hand.  
The tightening of muscles around Al sent him over the edge as well. He filled his partner up to the brim with his hot seed, making sure he was completely done before pulling out of him and settling down on the bed with him.  
Arthur mumbled something into his chest.  
"Huh? Didn't quite catch that."  
"I said 'the next time we do roleplay you're the one dressing up'… Git… And I'm topping, dammit!" He pouted.  
Al laughed. "Aw, sorry Iggs. My hero instincts just kicked in and I thought 'nope not tonight'…"  
Arthur snorted. "I mean it, though. Next time I wear that uniform over here I'm bringing a whip. And I _will _use it…"  
"Sure ya will…" He chuckled. "Love ya, Art."  
"Love you too, git…" Arthur closed his eyes, snuggling up against him and falling asleep.  
Al fell asleep shortly after.

Yay~ I feel really weird about this. Mixed pride and fear. Well, in any case, happy birthday and to all a good lemon~


End file.
